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Beautiful enough
http://www.mormondiscussions.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=45323
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Author:  subgenius [ Sat Feb 11, 2017 6:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Beautiful enough

Every so often I come across an article that describes how a couple has one person whom is not attractive to the other (seemingly always the bride not being considered as good-looking by the groom...a revelation not bestowed until a few months after marriage). And this occurs within a heterosexual relationship where both parties still consider each other to be right and suitable partners.....thus the article becomes an exploration of how to resolve a situation that seems to be counterintuitive to a modern world conception of love and marriage.

Not surprisingly, my confidence tanked as I started to realize I might never be attractive enough for him, no matter how hard I tried. My personality started hiding, sinking deep inside of me, out of range. We talked about divorce, but neither of us really wanted that. I think we both were hoping that some miracle would come along and make me attractive to him.

A miracle did happen. But it had nothing to do with what my husband thought about me.

During this time of deep pain and insecurity, I finally realized that I was looking in the mirror in my bedroom and the mirror in my husband’s eyes instead of the mirror inside my heart. At some point, I remembered there was another mirror, and I took a long look at myself. Down deep inside me, a voice reassured me that I was actually beautiful enough. Strength I had forgotten welled up in me, and I knew that what my husband thought about my attractiveness was not all that important. I could value him without taking on his weaknesses, including his inability to see my beauty.

http://www.ldsliving.com/My-New-Husband ... ou/s/75192

This particular excerpt seems to merit a bit of dissection in order to evaluate how it may, or may not, conform and promote church doctrine and biblical lessons.

Anyone have thoughts on the matter?

Author:  The CCC [ Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

Most of us are just average looking. :smile: My wife is still beautiful to me even after 45 years of marriage. :smile: :smile:

Author:  spotlight [ Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:17 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

SG wrote:
This particular excerpt seems to merit a bit of dissection in order to evaluate how it may, or may not, conform and promote church doctrine and biblical lessons.
Anyone have thoughts on the matter?

Kimball had some thoughts on the matter.
Quote:
Kimball always kept an eye out for romance. ‘Brethren,' he instructed some departing missionaries, ‘I want you to understand that it is not to be as it has been heretofore. The brother missionaries have been in the habit of picking out the prettiest women for themselves before they get here, and bringing on the ugly ones for us; hereafter you have to bring them all here before taking any of them, and let us all have a fair shake.

Author:  subgenius [ Sun Feb 12, 2017 7:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

The author's notion that her husband had a "weakness" by his not finding her attractive is compelling. After her husband's confession, she determines that she is in fact attractive and thus what was initially a criticism of her by him is transformed into a criticism of him by her.

Author:  honorentheos [ Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

subgenius wrote:
Anyone have thoughts on the matter?

I'd be curious how long these couples were a couple before marrying. Is it possible that were one to shed the idea that marriage is necessary or even desirable over seeking companionship first one might better avoid this kind of situation?

I've known a few LDS couples that fell apart after they were married and began a sexual relationship only to discover they weren't really seeking anything more than that. Some took a while to dissolve while others ended fairly quickly.

I don't think it's wise to council people to marry who have not been together long enough to get past the initial starry-eyed romance and know they are committing to a life-long friendship...with benefits. :wink:

Author:  Fence Sitter [ Sun Feb 12, 2017 5:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

After years of reading the Book of Mormon and not finding it to be the most perfect book ever written, I realized the fault lie with the book, and not my inability to see perfection where none existed.

Author:  subgenius [ Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

"I could value him without taking on his weaknesses, including his inability to see my beauty."

This sounds like a peculiar end-around to prevent divorce that would be due to physical incompatibility.

Author:  honorentheos [ Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

subgenius wrote:
"I could value him without taking on his weaknesses, including his inability to see my beauty."

This sounds like a peculiar end-around to prevent divorce that would be due to physical incompatibility.

The article included the conclusion that the husband eventually changed and came to see her as beautiful.

I don't know what there is to say about it beyond it sounds very much like they married for reasons not explored in the article, decided to make it work, she found a way to resolve the self-confidence issues caused by a form of emotional abuse, and eventually he resolved his concerns regarding whatever it was that he had to resolve - also not really explored in the article. It says he admitted to never finding her attractive which is kind of...well. It doesn't sound particularly healthy whatever is being left out.

So, what is it you are looking to discuss exactly? Is it something about her approach? My concern is that the article really does little to contribute to a dialog on any topic except that self-worth that is derived from other's opinions is easily damaged. That doesn't seem to be quite where you are going, though. I'd appreciate a little more clarity on what you mean about it being peculiar or an end-around to prevent divorce. It doesn't sound like it's true physical incompatibility here, but again the article doesn't provide much to work with, either.

Author:  subgenius [ Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

honorentheos wrote:
subgenius wrote:
"I could value him without taking on his weaknesses, including his inability to see my beauty."

This sounds like a peculiar end-around to prevent divorce that would be due to physical incompatibility.

The article included the conclusion that the husband eventually changed and came to see her as beautiful.

I don't know what there is to say about it beyond it sounds very much like they married for reasons not explored in the article, decided to make it work, she found a way to resolve the self-confidence issues caused by a form of emotional abuse, and eventually he resolved his concerns regarding whatever it was that he had to resolve - also not really explored in the article. It says he admitted to never finding her attractive which is kind of...well. It doesn't sound particularly healthy whatever is being left out.

So, what is it you are looking to discuss exactly? Is it something about her approach? My concern is that the article really does little to contribute to a dialog on any topic except that self-worth that is derived from other's opinions is easily damaged. That doesn't seem to be quite where you are going, though. I'd appreciate a little more clarity on what you mean about it being peculiar or an end-around to prevent divorce. It doesn't sound like it's true physical incompatibility here, but again the article doesn't provide much to work with, either.

"I could value him without taking on his weaknesses, including his inability to see my beauty."

Doesn't this statement make a bold assertion?

Worded another way, from his position

"I could value her without taking on her weaknesses, including her inability to see my strengths".

He says she is not attractive and suddenly he doesn't just have 1 flaw but many flaws, which even through that burden she can "find value"...all without being soiled by his frailties. And if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, how can he be wrong about what he finds beautiful or not? Why is this a weakness? And why dies she resolve it with an "in spite of that" attitude?

Author:  kairos [ Tue Feb 14, 2017 1:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

Young attractive men and women often find the sexual attraction and excitement to marry and become married without necessarily being in love. love is complicated -women i think can understand the depth of what it is-men operate from below the belt level so much that many never understand love or ever be in love.

i know unattractive men and women who marry each other with the attitude "she/he is attractive enough for me" to have sex with, marry and have a family. i see lots of those marriages surviving;On the other hand the beautiful men and women often part when the sex becomes dull or he/she finds the other less exciting or they find a more exciting partner.

in the world of mirror imaging of a partner or self , when bodies become unattractive , men more often than women give up on sex or do it with their partner because he himself is not attractive enough to find another and has sex with his wife while fanatasizing sex with another. if attractive enough he may go outside the marriage and throw everything into turmoil.

Women seem to me to always want to attractive and desirable and for their spouse to find them exciting. but if she is or has become unattractive (gained lots of weight for example) she cannot expect her husband to perform. he will of course if he truly loves her deeply and looks no longer matter and he being in love wants to satisfy her. if that is the case she has found a true soul mate!

rambling thoughts!

k

Author:  Amore [ Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

There are multiple possible variables and thus perspectives or conclusions. If the wife let herself go - stopped exercising, gained a lot of weight, didn’t fix herself up or bathe daily etc, then it would be ridiculous for her to blame her husband for stating what is practically objective truth.

However, if the husband has sky-high unrealistic expectations and no matter how much she hits the gymn, keeps fit, fixes herself up, etc - it’s never good enough, then it is a weakness of her husband’s.

Based on my experience, there are pros and cons... marry someone who’s accepting but maybe oblivious generally - or someone highly conscientious but perfectionistically critical. I’m sure there are some in between, and some who are both oblivious and critical... & others who are consciencious and accepting of imperfection. Nobody’s perfect - inside or out.

Author:  moksha [ Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

"Husband needs to make her into a ten cow woman so she can give one of those cows to the Church."
-- Bishop, Tikileeki 1st Ward

Author:  Exiled [ Tue Sep 18, 2018 10:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

moksha wrote:
"Husband needs to make her into a ten cow woman so she can give one of those cows to the Church."
-- Bishop, Tikileeki 1st Ward


Wise counsel from a penguin sage. The church must always get what it is due.

Author:  LittleNipper [ Tue Nov 06, 2018 9:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Beautiful enough

According to the Bible, Jesus was nothing special to look at --- totally unlike the super muscular handsome model Mormons like to paint/contrive of all their superheros.

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