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Heavenly Father has an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 10:49 am
by Shulem
THIS IS NOT A JOKING MATTER

Mormonism teaches that Father Elohim was once a mortal man having a body of flesh and blood. Therefore, he had to have an anus to relieve waste. But consider his glorified and perfected resurrected body -- we are left to wonder if the anus (hole) still exists or has it been sewn shut?

QUESTION: Does Heavenly Father have an anus today?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Either answer can generate interesting observations that can be raised about Elohim's buttocks and physical characteristics. This is something Mormons should consider assuming they want to be like their Heavenly Father. Regardless, every Mormon should think outside the box and ask themselves if they intend to keep their anus in the resurrection.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 11:46 am
by Dr Exiled
I would say yes and it must be a perfectly formed anus in every respect, an eternal round anus. His heavenly harem are pleased, to be sure, at how it functions. It's never improper, and always moving at the right moment.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 12:16 pm
by Shulem
Exiled wrote:it must be a perfectly formed anus in every respect


That is a most reasonable expectation considering the resurrected body is glorified and perfected. Every part and portion of the body must be perfect including the anus. No imperfections whatsoever.

Exiled wrote:an eternal round anus


Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, around and around we go.

Exiled wrote:His heavenly harem are pleased, to be sure, at how it functions


Father's wives should surely enjoy the pleasures of a perfect anus. Its perfected function with proper stimulation of the prostate would give extreme pleasure and delight to Heavenly Father.

Exiled wrote:It's never improper, and always moving at the right moment.


I can only imagine.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 2:21 pm
by The Dude
Heavenly Father has an anus, but it is non-functional and only for show. If it were functioning he would have to eat, but glorified beings don't need to eat. If glorified beings tried to eat food they would experience diarrhea because they lack intestinal bacteria to help with digestion. Bacteria cannot be resurrected or glorified. Therefore, Heavenly Father's anus is only for show, a glorious reminder that He was once a living, breathing, farting, homo sapiens just like us.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 3:16 pm
by Shulem
The Dude wrote:Heavenly Father has an anus, but it is non-functional and only for show. If it were functioning he would have to eat, but glorified beings don't need to eat. If glorified beings tried to eat food they would experience diarrhea because they lack intestinal bacteria to help with digestion. Bacteria cannot be resurrected or glorified. Therefore, Heavenly Father's anus is only for show, a glorious reminder that He was once a living, breathing, farting, homo sapiens just like us.


Well, I can appreciate your sentiments and medical perspective in this matter. Having a non-functioning anus for show only is ornamental and provides little benefit other than to those whom get the glorious opportunity to view the eternal anal round.

You'll recall that resurrected Jesus came down and ate some fish and honeycomb with his disciples. The food was consumed and fell down his throat into his stomach for processing. Where the extra energy went I cannot say. Energy cannot be destroyed but simply changes state. Where did the fish and honeycomb go? What became of it?

Also, who can say that Jesus and his Father are incapable of farting? There is nothing in scripture or the teaching of the church that says that God cannot fart. LDS doctrine doesn't assign farting as a mortal only function any more than breathing air through the nose.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 6:38 pm
by Themis
Heavenly Father has glorified bacteria to help with digestion. :wink:

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 7:23 pm
by Shulem
Themis wrote:Heavenly Father has glorified bacteria to help with digestion. :wink:


But Heavenly Father lives in celestial glory where there is no death. Does bacteria die in heaven? Isn't a bacterium a living creature? If a host of bacteria were to reside in Heavenly Father's gut then it could consume the food but it would have to expel its own waste and gas. In such a case the anus would be the obvious means to accomplish a divine fart.

:wink:

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 9:19 pm
by Kittens_and_Jesus
Normally I wouldn't ask this kind of question, but you broached the subject first.

Are you pondering the possible joys of having a Celestial anus or pondering the joys of having your way with one? Then again, I realize it may be a little of column A and a little of column B. Then again I could be totally mistaken. Whichever way, I find myself rather curious as to the inspiration behind the op

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 9:50 pm
by Tator
I thought the HF had a colostomy bag named "my creation".

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 11:04 pm
by Mittens
Shulem wrote:THIS IS NOT A JOKING MATTER

Mormonism teaches that Father Elohim was once a mortal man having a body of flesh and blood. Therefore, he had to have an anus to relieve waste. But consider his glorified and perfected resurrected body -- we are left to wonder if the anus (hole) still exists or has it been sewn shut?

QUESTION: Does Heavenly Father have an anus today?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Either answer can generate interesting observations that can be raised about Elohim's buttocks and physical characteristics. This is something Mormons should consider assuming they want to be like their Heavenly Father. Regardless, every Mormon should think outside the box and ask themselves if they intend to keep their anus in the resurrection.



Joseph Smith would say no since he taught God the Father was a personage of spirit without a body of tabernacle :lol:

Lectures on Faith

Lecture Five 2. There are two personages who constitute the great, matchless, governing, and supreme power over all things, by whom all things were created and madeā€¦. They are the Father and the Son: the Father being a personage of spirit, glory, and power, possessing all perfection and fulness. The Son, who was in the bosom of the Father, is a personage of tabernacle, made or fashioned like unto man, being in the form and likeness of man, or rather man was formed after his likeness and in his image.


http://eom.BYU.edu/index.php/Lectures_on_Faith

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Sun May 20, 2018 11:37 pm
by moksha
The Dude wrote: If glorified beings tried to eat food they would experience diarrhea because they lack intestinal bacteria to help with digestion. Bacteria cannot be resurrected or glorified.

Ha! The celestialized digestive system would have the requisite means to fully absorb all nutrients then teleport any waste matter back to earth to become part of the organic pool from which non-adamite life would evolve. The anus would be purely decorative.

Hope that helps.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 4:56 am
by Shulem
Kittens_and_Jesus wrote:Normally I wouldn't ask this kind of question, but you broached the subject first.

Are you pondering the possible joys of having a Celestial anus or pondering the joys of having your way with one? Then again, I realize it may be a little of column A and a little of column B. Then again I could be totally mistaken. Whichever way, I find myself rather curious as to the inspiration behind the op


No, I'm not pondering the joys of having a celestial anus. Nor do I believe in the fantasy of resurrection. Further, I do not believe the biblical accounts and testimonies of Jesus's resurrection. The whole account is a fabrication and a lie.

There is a certain inspiration to the op which will get to the bottom of the matter (no pun intended). Perhaps you can assist. You know well the biblical account of Jesus being resurrected. Jesus, appearing to Thomas said, "Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing". Well, who is to say he couldn't have disrobed to have his way with Thomas, whereby commanding him to reach hither his finger, and behold his anus, and reach hither his hand, and thrust it in?

What do you have to say about that, Kittens_and_Jesus? Would Thomas have found a cavity in Jesus's buttocks? Could he penetrate the Lord's resurrected body with his finger?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Matthew 5:37

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 5:03 am
by Shulem
Mittens wrote:Joseph Smith would say no since he taught God the Father was a personage of spirit without a body of tabernacle :lol:


Joseph Smith later changed his mind and taught that God does have a body just like Jesus did when he appeared to his disciples after his resurrection.

How about you, Mittens? Do you believe Heavenly Father has an anus? What about Jesus? Did he have an anus when he appeared before Thomas asking him to finger him?

Just answer the question.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 8:42 am
by Shulem
Joseph,

Behold our hands and our feet. We are Men and yet we are God. We have bodies of flesh and bone. You are made in our image. Behold my Son is resurrected having been glorified and perfected in mine own image. Behold we have eyes that see. We have ears that hear. We have mouths that speak. We have legs that walk. We have anuses that perform their natural function and if you prove worthy and faithful you too may have a glorified and perfected anus.

Image

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 8:46 am
by Shulem
moksha wrote: The anus would be purely decorative.


You mean like an ornament on the hood of a car or perhaps an exhaust pipe that does nothing?

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 11:59 am
by Shulem
I'm disappointed that Shades moved this to telestial. I don't think that was justified.

Either Father in Heaven has an anus or he does not. I see the old Mormon broom just sweeping it under the rug. Typical. Sad.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Mon May 21, 2018 9:06 pm
by Kittens_and_Jesus
Shulem wrote:No, I'm not pondering the joys of having a celestial anus. Nor do I believe in the fantasy of resurrection. Further, I do not believe the biblical accounts and testimonies of Jesus's resurrection. The whole account is a fabrication and a lie.

There is a certain inspiration to the opening post which will get to the bottom of the matter (no pun intended). Perhaps you can assist. You know well the biblical account of Jesus being resurrected. Jesus, appearing to Thomas said, "Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing". Well, who is to say he couldn't have disrobed to have his way with Thomas, whereby commanding him to reach hither his finger, and behold his anus, and reach hither his hand, and thrust it in?

What do you have to say about that, Kittens_and_Jesus? Would Thomas have found a cavity in Jesus's buttocks? Could he penetrate the Lord's resurrected body with his finger?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Matthew 5:37

My answer is that they're all fictional characters. A finger up the anus certainly would of added something to the story though.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Tue May 22, 2018 5:32 am
by aussieguy55
Does Heavenly Father have a belly button?

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Tue May 22, 2018 5:49 am
by Shulem
Kittens_and_Jesus wrote:My answer is that they're all fictional characters. A finger up the anus certainly would of added something to the story though.

We are in complete agreement. Mythical Mormon Man-God is nothing but a puff of smoke in front of an imaginary mirror. Mormons need their pretend Dolly-God to make them feel warm and safe like a child in a blanket. Their fantasy God is nothing more than a wet thumb. Mormons need to grow up. They are stunted in their ways and beliefs.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Tue May 22, 2018 5:52 am
by Shulem
aussieguy55 wrote:Does Heavenly Father have a belly button?

That's a valid question, one which, the church will never discuss. Why is that? Because the church is afraid of its own shadow and cowers at questions that destroy its faith.

Re: Does Heavenly Father have an ANUS?

Posted: Tue May 22, 2018 10:35 am
by Mittens
Shulem wrote:
Mittens wrote:Joseph Smith would say no since he taught God the Father was a personage of spirit without a body of tabernacle :lol:


Joseph Smith later changed his mind and taught that God does have a body just like Jesus did when he appeared to his disciples after his resurrection.

How about you, Mittens? Do you believe Heavenly Father has an anus? What about Jesus? Did he have an anus when he appeared before Thomas asking him to finger him?

Just answer the question.



I agree with Joseph Smith back in 1835 when he taught God the Father was a personage of spirit