Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

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_Shulem
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Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Shulem »

Types of Testimonies

Brainwashamonies: Testimonies whispered by parents into their children's ears at the pulpit

Gratimonies: Longwinded testimonies that begin, "I'd like to express my gratitude to..."

Putdownamonies: Testimonies that backhandedly put down others. "When I see people, with their new cars or expensive clothes I am so grateful for he church and its standards..."

Apologimonies: Testimonies that include, "I'm so sorry to anyone I may have offended"

Theramonies: Testimonies where people treat fast and testimony meeting as group therapy to spew their troubles and feelings.

Status-o-monies: Testimonies that testify of financial or social status. "When I was standing on the Eiffel Tower in Paris I was so over come with the spirit . . . " "When I had lunch with the President I saw how anxious he was and I was so grateful I had the gospel in my life to guide me . . ."

Bragamonies: Much like status-o-monies, but limited to family events. "When my child won the straight A award last term I was reminded of the prophet's counsel to seek learning and . . . "

Identicrisimonies: Given by people who obviously have no identity without "the church." "I don't know where I would be without the Gospel".

Who-you-talkin'to-imonies: Those who end their testimony "In the name of THY son, Jesus Christ". (Damn, if we'd known you were talking to God the entire time, we wouldn't have wasted our time listening.)

Vacationmonies, Travelmonies: A detailed log of everywhere the person giving the testimony went on vacation.

Sobomonies, Bawlomonies: Tearful testimonies.

Pausamonies: Testimonies with long periods of silence.

Accentimonies: Testimonies intentionally given with a southern accent, to sound like the Christian far right.

Spousamonies: Testimonies about a person's spouse. "I am so thankful for my (husband, wife, eternal companion) because without (him, her) I would have no life." (I have been stripped of all sense of self worth and am a shell of a human being, but I have my spouse, my "rock".)

Child-a-monies: Where all the children, in turn, bare the same 30 second testimony, with the same sing-song voice: "I want to bear my testimony, I know this church is twuooo...I know Joseph Smith is a profit..." Etc.

Asskissomonies: "I love this bishop so much!" "We have the best relief society president!" "The primary president gives the best head!" etc.

Politimonies: "I didn't like Proposition 8, but I now know that it was the spirit of SATAN which was controlling me. I'm telling all my neighbors to vote for it now (tearfully)."

Remissimonies: Testimonies that begin or end, "I would be remiss if I didn't stand up today and.."

Predictamonies: The same testimony, given by the same person, every month.

Promisomonies: Testomonies that begin five minutes after sacrament meeting should have ended, and the opening line is, "I promise to keep this short.." but the testimony goes on for ten more minutes.

Emotimonies: Testimonies based solely on raw emotion, usually given by young women who have intentionally been kept awake all night with loud laughter, light mindedness, and lots of candy, so that their leaders can boast of "what a spiritual testimony meeting we had the last morning of girls' camp."

Festimony: Testimony born at Festivus

Disgustamonies: Usually a bi-product of emotiomonies wherein an over abundance of mucus in the nasal cavities and excessive sniffing results in nauseating, over amplified snot displacement. Yuck!

Redemptimonies: Given to unburden oneself of needless guilt and bind one's mind and emotions to the church, through which is the only way redemption comes. Mormons think that they are forgiven after giving public displays of repentance.

Shitomonies: Used to unburden oneself of all the crap the church has been feeding you. In this kind of testimony, one can lightheartedly complain of faulty doctrine and guilt and other such crap from the church, but usually has to end with something along the lines of, "I just know that I need to be more faithful."
_Shulem
_Emeritus
Posts: 12072
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:48 am

Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Shulem »

I'm so grateful for this church, I don't know what I'd do without the gospel in my life . . . .

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boo hoo
_Jersey Girl
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Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Jersey Girl »

Quasimodo wrote:
Jersey Girl wrote:
I need an F&E. I mean right now.

Like yesterday even!


:lol: Are you too snowed in to get to the local pub (or gummy bear store)? Maybe one of your neighbors has a St.Bernard with a cask of brandy on his neck. :wink:


No, I escaped yesterday! I'm pretty sure that liquid lunch wouldn't be a good idea for me.

But one can dream!
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Chinese Proverb
_Shulem
_Emeritus
Posts: 12072
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:48 am

Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Shulem »

I drink blood and and then bear testimony at pulpit for bishop.

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your brain on Mormonism
Last edited by Guest on Fri Jan 25, 2019 2:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
_Shulem
_Emeritus
Posts: 12072
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:48 am

Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Shulem »

I can't believe I have to do this considering I had sex with my boyfriend last night.

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_Shulem
_Emeritus
Posts: 12072
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:48 am

Re: Rumor - F & T meeting format to change

Post by _Shulem »

I can't believe I have to drink this. This is so stupid.

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pray, pay, and obey
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