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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:21 pm 
God
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I love this thread.

Thank you Mormon Jesus.

Best thread ever.

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Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 12:36 am 
Dragon
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Official Declaration 3

Declaration given through Gazeatem to Mormon Discussions by way of the Internet, October 7, 2013. Mormon Jesus, a member of Mormon Discussions, has a certain sense of humor by which he is receiving revelations for Mormon Discussions. Several members of the board have been made overly whimsical by these revelations, and may have been unduly entertained thereby. This Declaration may be a revelation even though it is called a Declaration. Various and sundry items that may or may not have anything to do with this Declaration.

1-5; Instructions to those overcome by the Spirit of Whimsy, 6-7;The head of the Corporation and the gift of naysay, 8-10; Zion will be redeemed by the great Jackson who may or may not Peter out, 11-13; The idolatrous practices of the apologists once again discussed, 14; Contains writings that cannot be revealed in this summary but is to be had when you duly read those writings when you come to them below;15-16;Go or stay, stop or start, and if the world can find out what the hell this means then so let it be. Amen.

To whom it may concern:

1. Behold I say unto thee Mormon Discussions that it shall be given unto thee that thou shalt be enchanted by whosoever may enchant you by way of word, gesture, picture, hyperlink, poem, rhyme, limerick, satire, plagiarisms, yea in all things, thou shalt teach them by way of novel, short story, novella, biography, tweet, email, you tube video, meme, and all manner of comment concerning the revelations and commandments that I have given in moments when I have felt that I need, I want , I care, I ache, I am, I said I am.
2. But behold and verily, I say unto thee no one shall be appointed to receive commandments and revelations on this board excepting those that post here, for they post even as my servant Moses, who by the still small keys on his iphone did tweet my 10 commandments in 170 characters or less.
3. And thou, my anonymous sock puppets, shalt be amused by the things which I shall cause to be written on this board, even by Mormon Jesus, who declares faithfully the commandments and revelations with tongue firmly in cheek.
4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.
5. But thou shalt not do so by way of commandment, but by the wisdom of crocodiles, all the while grinning with a toothy smile.
6. And thou mayest naysay him who is at thy head, even at the head of the Corporation, or he who is in the head doing his business with all righteousness with the Spirit of Airwick.
7. For I have given out the keys to the palace of Lie Shen, and the kingdom of the Isle of Thunder, until I shall appoint unto Mormon Discussions another set that will open up imaginary places.
8. And now, behold, I say unto you that you shall go unto the Lamanites and preach in the Casino’s, yea, preach unto them the gospel , and inasmuch as they receive thou shalt cause my Corporation to be established among them; and thou shalt have wampum, but tax them not by way of commandment, instead thou shalt call it a tithe, and take thy tenth off the top.
9. And now, behold again, and verily again, I say unto you that it has been revealed, and every man knoweth where the city of Zion shall be built, but it still shall be given hereafter, for have not my servants plainly spoken of Jackson, yea, even the great Peter, who shall redeem my Zion from the hands of the wicked! For they come with fire. They come with axes. Gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning! Destroyers and usurpers! Curse them! Are they not as salt which has lost its savor, and good for nothing but to be trodden under the feet of Ents?
10. Thou shalt not leave this place until after a while; and my servant (whomsoever thou shalt write in this space) shall be appointed to preside over this board by the apathy of if, and whatsoever is said, thou shalt reply to it, unless thou be too bored to do so.
11. And again, thou shalt take the apologists, between them and thee alone, and tell them that the words of the prophets were written on the studio walls, yea, concert halls, and those things which they hath written by the Spirit of FairMormon are not of me, but of a companion greatly obtusive.
12. For, behold, these things have not been appointed unto them, neither shall anything be appointed unto any of those apologists unless it be contrary to what my Corporate Heads have actually said and done.
13. For all things done by them will be done in confusion, and by the Common Core apologist war which has been waged in questioned faith.
14. And every sock puppet shalt assist to poke fun at all of these things, according to the Wisdom of Shades, before thou shalt take thy journey among the Casinos where my Lamanites work in the Spirit of Corporation. For have I not said that they shall build my Zion?
15. And it shall be given thee from the time thou shalt go, until the time thou shalt return: If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go, Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go, until thou shalt return.
16. And thou must open thy mouth at all times, unless thou art freediving, or in the bubble which maketh all apologists to rejoice with the spirit of denial. Amen.

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"I will not in any way, shape, or form have anything to do with or have anything to say to [grindael] from here on out. Directly OR INDIRECTLY" ~MG, 10-25-17, 12:36PM The SAME DAY, an hour later... "I decided that I needed to also create a publicly posted thread, as he did..." FIRST indirect comment. So much for his "DMZ".


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:16 pm 
Valiant A
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Lord God,
We thank thee for the moisture.
We beseech thee!
Via Josh,
Amen


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:22 pm 
Valiant A
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O...and Happy (belated) Birthday!

Sorry we all forgot.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 10:53 pm 
God
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Long time no see. Great you explained Kent now could you explain Spacey and Tobin?

Nice wood shed by the way!

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"That's what he gets for posting in his own name."
2 different threads same day 2 hours apart Yohoo Bat 12/1/2015


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 5:07 am 
God
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Quote:
....Yea even shalt thou be Kented with a sore Kenting...



Ah, man! Couldn't we just have a plague of frogs or some boils or something?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 5:31 am 
God
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Oh terrible Mormon Jesus. Send thy servant SteelHaad a holy hand grenade of Antioch that he might fall upon it (at the end of a 3 count) that his life may be snuffed. SteelHead is weak o Lord of vengeance and can not endure a Kenting. In thy mercy,
Amen

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Some of us, on the other hand, actually prefer a religion that includes some type of correlation with reality.
~Bill Hamblin


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 10:40 am 
God
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
. . . the reigning heavyweight savior of the world, "Iron", Jesus, Christ! And now, prepare ye to ruummbblleeee! . . . ye shall pay heed, Or better yet, ye shall pay tithing, for what shall a man do with the heed that is paid for him? Yea, tithing is much desirable above any heed that ye might pay . . .

Winning.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 6:25 pm 
1st Counselor
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. Unto mine handmaiden Elphaba, behold, I have heard thine inquiry in prayer, and thou didst not take nearly enough to overdose this time,
Thanks MJ. I'll be sure and take more next time.

Elphaba

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Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 12:42 pm 
God
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grindael wrote:
4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.

Somehow I missed your post until just now, grindael. Awesome. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 3:01 pm 
First Presidency
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
20. Verily, ye shall be cursed with an sore cursing, and vexed with an sore vexing,
21. Yea, even shalt thou be Kented with an sore Kenting, unto the third and fourth generation, except ye repent in humility and sorrow before me, saith the Lord,


Classic, :lol: :lol: :lol:

Then after I laughed, I thought: God DOES use excessive Hebraisms in the D&C, even though he is using English to talk to Joseph.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 11:37 am 
God
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If you read only one Jesus this year, make it Mormon Jesus.

Testify.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 1:31 pm 
Nursery

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How great thou art, Mormon Jesus.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 6:20 pm 
Hermit
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Glad this was bumped up. If Revelations were drugs I'm sure MJ would be offering them for sale by the metric gram. I think that's the most insightful categorization of hymns I've ever seen and this is evidence of theistic design.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2014 12:48 pm 
Dragon
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CaliforniaKid wrote:
grindael wrote:
4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.

Somehow I missed your post until just now, grindael. Awesome. :)


I am SO GLAD that Mormon Jesus is back! He is the real awesome one here. He sure gets me thinking about further declarations though...

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"I will not in any way, shape, or form have anything to do with or have anything to say to [grindael] from here on out. Directly OR INDIRECTLY" ~MG, 10-25-17, 12:36PM The SAME DAY, an hour later... "I decided that I needed to also create a publicly posted thread, as he did..." FIRST indirect comment. So much for his "DMZ".


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2014 9:04 pm 
God

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Stupid Mormon "Bastard" Jesus, you're no Rocker. You wouldn't know a good hymn if it bit you in the ass.

Everyone knows that the three types of hymns acceptable to you are:

Where are the Bitches http://youtu.be/OWcwTdhnDxc

Money, Money, Money http://youtu.be/PX_qAtwMDFk

I need a Hero http://youtu.be/ap7m1CYzS6A


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2014 9:29 pm 
God
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Hahahaaaaa.

Thank you Mormon Jesus for the education revelation. I needed some inspiration.

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"Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn’t participate enthusiastically." - Robert Kirby

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:15 am 
Dark Lord of the Sith
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Lord, Kent has been quieter lately. Are we now in compliance with your will? Droopy has dropped by recently, so I am not sure if we are still being smited or not.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 5:22 pm 
Dragon
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OFFICIAL DECLARATION 4

Declaration given to Mormon Discussions 9 June 2014 by Gazeatem, who wanted to declare what the Lord through the Ghost that is Holy hath decreed in former times, knowing that in these latter times that such declarations may change without notice.

1-7, What I decree, I decree — my Smith and his instrument— the understanding of the Sole—the danger of the water — beware the Water of the Board— vengeance by Water of the Board and the Conventions of Geneva 8-10, Decrees may be revoked by more light and knowledge that is even more than before— the Lack of Wits—the anxiety of the brethren of the Sole and the welfare of it—the promise of Type E and the wisdom of Spacey 9-12, Forgetfulness and The Ghost who is Holy and the power of Testimony—of gibberish and jargon 13-16, The RUSH of Grand Designs—the ripoff of lyrics—more of the ripoff of lyrics 17-19, I the Lord, am FAIR, and let those who do little get a lot—the 11:30 and Saturday Night—the copy of rights and relinquishment thereof.

1. I do declare! What I, the Lord have decreed I have decreed, unless I haven’t decreed it.
2. I speak of my decrees because I, the Lord, have spoken in these last days by my prophet Smith who I decreed would come in the latter days
3. For Behold, as I have saith to Isaiah: I have created the Smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy. Thus have I shown that my Smith was authorized by his instrument to taketh many virgins to wife, and that he bloweth, by the words of his mouth.
4. He that peepeth, letteth him understand what the Lord sayeth to the heads of my Corporation Sole.
5. Ride thou not on the waters, for the destroyer seeks to soak thee, and there my Waster lurks, to destroy those who ride on the waters, by boat, by tire, by tube and ski.
6. And beware the Water of the Board, which I have given into the hands of the Gentiles to causeth lack of breath. Fear the water, say I, the Lord, Fear it good.
7. He who confesseth not that my Smith has come, will see the vengeance of the Water of the Board, for I the Lord have spoken it, and declared that it is Constitutional and doth not violate the Conventions of Geneva.
8. What I, the Lord have decreed I have decreed, unless it becometh as folklore, then it is not a decree and can be revoked as a revelation to all who believe that my Corporation speaketh with more light and knowledge than in times when they also claimed to speak with more light and knowledge.
9. Yea, you may forget everything I have decreed and everything my servants have said, for they spoke with Limited Understanding and lack of wits, which I have continued to bestow upon those who become the Oracles of my Corporation.
10. Still, my little flock, great is the anxiety of the brethren of the Corporation for the welfare of the Sole, and I know they do diligently watch, and pray and long to be Type E which only can be bestowed by the hand of Spacey, him whom I have foreordained before the foundations of K-Pax.
11. Now I, the Lord, have decreed (on occasion) and though I could send my messengers, or my Smith, who hath departed, I have not, because I the Lord find it much more convenient to sendeth my Ghost, who is Holy, and bringeth to the hearts of men the doctrine of Correlation, which the CES must needs explain to the Seminary.
12. For Behold, no man can know the power of Testimony, for it appeareth as gibberish, and jargon, and this by the RUSH of my Grand Designs.
13. So much style without substance. So much stuff without style. It’s hard to recognize the real thing, that comes along once in a while. Like rare and precious metal plates, found with magic rocks, it takes some time and trouble so separate from the stock.
14. You sometimes have to listen to a lot of useless talk.
15. Here she come now sayin' Testi—mony, hey she give me love and I feel all right now, cause you make me feel so good, so fine, and I feel all right, I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16. I love you Testi—mony, mo-mo-mony, come on, come on, feel all right and say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
17. For those who labor in the heat of the day and worketh for long hours shall in no wise get more than those who work for only for a short time. Am I not FAIR, sayeth the Lord?
18. Behold, it is the eleventh hour, and soon cometh the time of the eleven-thirty, when no work shall be done, for it is Saturday Night and I, the Lord, must watch Jonah of Hill.
19. © Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights relinquished.

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"I will not in any way, shape, or form have anything to do with or have anything to say to [grindael] from here on out. Directly OR INDIRECTLY" ~MG, 10-25-17, 12:36PM The SAME DAY, an hour later... "I decided that I needed to also create a publicly posted thread, as he did..." FIRST indirect comment. So much for his "DMZ".


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:38 pm 
God

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Quote:
40. Yea, taking steps is easy, standing still is hard,
41. Remember all their faces, remember all their voices,
42. Everything is different the second time around. Even so. Amen


Does Mormon Jesus watch Orange is the New Black?


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 Post subject: Re: Commentary about ''Mormon Discussions and Covenants''
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 9:35 am 
God

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Posts: 6875
I've been praying to Mormon Jesus for a while know, and all I'm getting is a stupor of thought....

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“A reliable way to make people believe in falsehoods is frequent repetition, because familiarity is not easily distinguished from truth. Authoritarian institutions and marketers have always known this fact.”
― Daniel Kahneman, Nobel Prize Winner, 'Thinking, Fast and Slow'


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