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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:25 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. And I did send forth Brigham Young, and he called forth a flock of seagulls,
28. And they ran; yea, they ran so far away,


just. died. laughing.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:26 pm 
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Cwald,
I'd vote for you.

Cwald for Jesus 2014!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:25 pm 
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His Mormon Jesus-ness,

Am I correct in thinking that the statutes of limitations has been reached regarding the 116 pages? Who thieved 'em'?

One final request. I have a help meet, who is very fair to look upon, but thou knowest I am a natural man. Immaculately Conceived One, please send a flaming sword toting angel to have an audience with me?

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:47 pm 
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When Mormon Jesus ends a revelation with a Selena Gomez lyric, does he cease to be God?

Such questions have occupied theologians for centuries...

(In particular because recognizing a Selena Gomez lyric without Google, even with a pre-teen in one's house, is somewhere between very embarrassing and a mortal sin. Thus putting the theologian in a difficult position.)

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 8:09 pm 
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Section 161

An extract from Gordon B. Hinckley's history recounting the restoration of the keys of luxury retail near the President of the Corporation's $1.5 million tax exempt condominium, October 1, 2004. The President had been praying about the restoration of authoritative keys by various ancient biblical figures. In response, President Hinckley was visited by an angelic messenger who identified himself as Aurophile Melanogaster, the same that is called the rich young man who refused to sell all that he had and follow the Lord in the New Testament. The angel explained that he was acting under the authority of the Utah Division of Corporations and Commercial Code. The promise was given that in due time Gucci boutiques and Tiffany would follow.

The keys and powers of luxury retail are set forth.

1. Upon you, my fellow executive, in the name of Christ the Messiah, who is also Logos the Verbum and Adonai the Dominus, I vest in you the Keys of Luxury Retail, which holds the keys of multiplying and replenishing dollars upon the earth, and of the prosperity gospel, and of merchant accounts for the remission of payments; and this shall never again be taken from the earth, until the money changers in the temple do offer again a balance sheet in the black unto the Lord in commerce.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:12 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
Section 161

An extract from Gordon B. Hinckley's history recounting the restoration of the keys of luxury retail near the President of the Corporation's $1.5 million tax exempt condominium, October 1, 2004. The President had been praying about the restoration of authoritative keys by various ancient biblical figures. In response, President Hinckley was visited by an angelic messenger who identified himself as Aurophile Melanogaster, the same that is called the rich young man who refused to sell all that he had and follow the Lord in the New Testament. The angel explained that he was acting under the authority of the Utah Division of Corporations and Commercial Code. The promise was given that in due time Gucci boutiques and Tiffany would follow.

The keys and powers of luxury retail are set forth.

1. Upon you, my fellow executive, in the name of Christ the Messiah, who is also Logos the Verbum and Adonai the Dominus, I vest in you the Keys of Luxury Retail, which holds the keys of multiplying and replenishing dollars upon the earth, and of the prosperity gospel, and of merchant accounts for the remission of payments; and this shall never again be taken from the earth, until the money changers in the temple do offer again a balance sheet in the black unto the Lord in commerce.


Beautiful sentence. Are You Droopy, MJ? (Sorry if I am mocking You...)

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 4:38 pm 
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Bravo, Mormon Jesus, bravo! I keep thinking I must have seen your best, and then you put something else up. That further light and knowledge is really powerful stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:44 pm 
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Hermes wrote:
Bravo, Mormon Jesus, bravo! I keep thinking I must have seen your best, and then you put something else up. That further light and knowledge is really powerful stuff.


Indeed, Mormon Jesus keeps outdoing himself... AGAIN!

That must be what Eternal Progression is all about.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:49 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
17. Yea, ye are as the Jews in Jerusalem, who mistakenly believed that the Messiah would produce some kind of noticeable success,


PURE GOLD.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:24 pm 
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Mormon Jesus, thank you for visiting my wife and I in our hotel room the other night. We had been binging on green tea smoothies and were about to get a little freaky with some mocha ice cream and a little heavy petting...your sudden appearance and your stern use of the word "stop" both turned us from our sinful ways and made us realize the brighamite branch of the LDS church is the chosen religious narrative of aliens who are capable of teleportation. I will now devote as much time as possible to defending the existence of extra-terrestrials and the actions of Joseph Smith....Mine eyes have been opened...

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Last edited by schreech on Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:33 pm 
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schreech wrote:
Mormon Jesus, that you for visiting my wife and I in our hotel room the other night. We had been binging on green tea smoothies and were about to get a little freaky with some mocha ice cream and a little heavy petting...your sudden appearance and your stern use of the word "stop" both turned us from our sinful ways and made us realize the brighamite branch of the LDS church is the chosen religious narrative of aliens who are capable of teleportation. I will now devote as much time as possible to defending the existence of extra-terrestrials and the actions of Joseph Smith....Mine eyes have been opened...

Wilt thou also admonish the rest of us to ask god if xyz is true, and not believe xyz until god says it's true, even though that process doth not in any way resemble thine own experience?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 9:05 pm 
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malkie wrote:
Wilt thou also admonish the rest of us to ask god if xyz is true, and not believe xyz until god says it's true, even though that process doth not in any way resemble thine own experience?


As long as xyz = asking "god" to have extra-terrestrials, who are capable of teleportation, spend part of their day visiting people, like myself and my wife, who are enjoying a debauturous afternoon of caffeine buzzes and over the clothes touching while ignoring the 7+billion other people on the earth and their problems, then yes...Consider yourself and others admonished...

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:12 pm 
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Section 162

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 1 October 2013. Various board members had wondered about whether the word of the Lord is deliberately vague. Some suggested that the scriptures were deliberately vague so that those of profound spiritual growth could find esoteric and layered meanings. The people making these suggestions tended to imply that they were the spiritual elite who discerned these deep mysteries. Others wondered why the Lord would be deliberately vague when the scriptures were supposed to be the guide He gave us to find salvation. This latter group tended to imply that those of the former group were full of it. Having just finished an invigorating Swedish massage from a giant squid that had entered into its exaltation, the Lord was in a good mood and gave the following revelation. As is the Lord's habit, this revelation came just in time to be a moot point.

1-5, You know you cannot stop it, so do not rock it; 6-19, the parable of the failed place kick; 20-23, the word of the Lord is just enough rope to hang yourself; 24-28, the Lord has been there and he survived, so just take his advice.

1. Behold, I am the Lord, saith the Lord, whom thou shalt love with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,
2. Verily, give me all of thy loving, every little bit,
3. Yea, give me all thou hast got, even every bit of it,
4. And again, every bit of thy loving, o, come forth and live a bit,
5. I, the Lord, never want it to stop,
6. And now I speak unto ye, the people of my board, who have inquired of my hand whither I, the Lord, do give unto men words that are deliberately vague, and if so, for what purpose do I do this,
7. Except that ye have not asked me, the Lord, as such, so much as discussed it amongst thyselves, but I, the Lord (because it is the Lord who is speaking here, and I must remind ye every now and then that it is God who is addressing thee, lestwise thou may have forgotten during the last sentence or two) will reveal unto ye, the members of my board, further light and knowledge concerning this thing,
8. And I will explain this thing through a parable, except that I, the Lord, will explain some of this parable, for ye are betimes slow on the uptake,
9. There was a certain young man named Charlie Brown, who desired to kick a football,
10. Behold, Charlie Brown is you,
11. And the football is the further light and knowledge that ye seek in this mortal vale of tears, in case ye did not figure that out,
12. And there came a young woman named Lucy, and she said unto Charlie Brown, Behold, here is this football, and surely I shall hold it, that thou mayest kick it,
13. Now Lucy is me, the Lord,
14. And it came to pass that Charlie Brown trusted Lucy, and he did run his fastest, and did swing his leg with all his might, so as to kick the football Lucy had covenanted to hold in place for him,
15. And at that very moment when Charlie Brown did expect that his foot would send the football up into the firmament, behold, Lucy did swiftly yank it away,
16. And Charlie Brown was sorely disappointed, and because he had put all of his might into his kick, behold, he did fly up into the air, and straightaway did land flat upon his back, and great was the the fall of Charlie Brown, and so too was the pain that he did suffer upon smiting the ground,
17. And some time later, Charlie Brown again desired to kick the football, and again Lucy made a covenant that she would hold the football and surely would not yank it away at the last moment, and again Charlie Brown had faith in her, and again he did land flat upon his back and nearly kill himself because of his exertions,
18. And this manner of things did continue with no end in sight,
19. Verily, I say unto you, that if ye understand this saying, ye understand how I, the Lord, reveal my gospel unto the world,
20. For inasmuch as ye desire knowledge and understanding, my words are ambiguous, yea, they could mean anything,
21. And inasmuch as ye shall be judged, and shall be called to account for thy sins, then my words are simple and easy to understand,
22. And in this wise doth my gospel selectively bring further light and knowledge unto the world,
23. Wherefore, I the Lord, command ye to keep believing that ye shall kick that football, and that perhaps this time I, the Lord, will not yank it away and allow thee to fall flat on thy back and kill thyself,
24. Yea, endure to the end, and keep telling thyself that this time shall be different,
25. Hang in there, my child, things are crazy, but I, the Lord, know thy future is bright,
26. Yea, hang in there, my child, for there is no maybe, and every thing shall turn out all right,
27. For surely life is up and down, but trust in the Lord, that it doth come back around,
28. And thou are going to love whom thou turnest out to be. Amen.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:18 am 
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My Dear Mormon Jesus,

Thy humble servant Dr. Shades doth come before thee this day seeking further light and knowledge.

Behold, didst Def Leppard inspire thee, or didst thou inspire Def Leppard? Wilt thou Armageddon It, as bespoken by John the Revelator on the Isle of Patmos, and in verses 4 through 5 of Section 162?

And for this matter, and on this account, thy servant Dr. Shades, who hopeth to be in thy good graces, bringeth before thee a matter which vexeth him with a sore vexation, yea, he hath been scratching his head, with no intent of a pun.

To whit, is it lawful for a man to scour the Internet for embarrassing material posted by other posters, and then bring it here, to thy one true message board? If so, doth this count as mere "cross posting," a tradition which endureth from the foundations of the board? Or is a man is never justified, and thy moderators, in whom thou (hopefully) art well pleased, must immediately deleteth it, yea, strike it down to the dust? Is such an action considered "intimidation," or must it be considered "examining a poster's credibility?" Doth embarrassing information equate to personal information? Must moderators save the people of this, thy one true message board, from themselves? Or is protestation against the compilation thereof considered to be manipulation of the free speech environment of this message board? Or doth a safe and inviting environment trump all, and thy moderators are under covenant to preserve it?

Yea, thy servant desireth thee to stretch forth thy hand and roll back the confusion, yea, the stupor of thought which becloudeth his mind at this time.

And I say these things in the name of you, amen.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 6:45 am 
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Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 7:41 am 
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Tator wrote:
Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator


Every_single_time I see you post I get an image of Ron White saying, "They call me tator salad..."

Every time.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:08 am 
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Tator wrote:
Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator


Would ordinarily not pile on, but since Tobin has me on permanent ignore:

Now that thar's funny.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:33 am 
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Outside of the shining brilliance of Mormon Jesus, shades wins the internet for the day, with tator in a close second.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:17 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye


Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:30 pm 
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asbestosman wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye

Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?

"Ye" is plural for "you." So it's not a grammatical error.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:19 pm 
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Dr. Shades wrote:
"Ye" is plural for "you." So it's not a grammatical error.

Actually it is. "Ye" is a subject pronoun not an object pronoun. Since in this instance "ye" is preceded by "unto" it should be the object pronoun "you".

It would be like saying "unto he" instead of "unto him".

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Last edited by asbestosman on Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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