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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:25 pm 
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His Mormon Jesus-ness,

Am I correct in thinking that the statutes of limitations has been reached regarding the 116 pages? Who thieved em'?

One final request. I have a help meet, who is very fair to look upon, but thou knowest I am a natural man. Immaculately Conceived One, please send a flaming sword toting angel to have an audience with me?

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:47 pm 
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When Mormon Jesus ends a revelation with a Selena Gomez lyric, does he cease to be God?

Such questions have occupied theologians for centuries...

(In particular because recognizing a Selena Gomez lyric without Google, even with a pre-teen in one's house, is somewhere between very embarrassing and a mortal sin. Thus putting the theologian in a difficult position.)

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:12 pm 
tired, less active investigator
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
Section 161

An extract from Gordon B. Hinckley's history recounting the restoration of the keys of luxury retail near the President of the Corporation's $1.5 million tax exempt condominium, October 1, 2004. The President had been praying about the restoration of authoritative keys by various ancient biblical figures. In response, President Hinckley was visited by an angelic messenger who identified himself as Aurophile Melanogaster, the same that is called the rich young man who refused to sell all that he had and follow the Lord in the New Testament. The angel explained that he was acting under the authority of the Utah Division of Corporations and Commercial Code. The promise was given that in due time Gucci boutiques and Tiffany would follow.

The keys and powers of luxury retail are set forth.

1. Upon you, my fellow executive, in the name of Christ the Messiah, who is also Logos the Verbum and Adonai the Dominus, I vest in you the Keys of Luxury Retail, which holds the keys of multiplying and replenishing dollars upon the earth, and of the prosperity gospel, and of merchant accounts for the remission of payments; and this shall never again be taken from the earth, until the money changers in the temple do offer again a balance sheet in the black unto the Lord in commerce.


Beautiful sentence. Are You Droopy, MJ? (Sorry if I am mocking You...)

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 3:38 pm 
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Bravo, Mormon Jesus, bravo! I keep thinking I must have seen your best, and then you put something else up. That further light and knowledge is really powerful stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:44 pm 
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Hermes wrote:
Bravo, Mormon Jesus, bravo! I keep thinking I must have seen your best, and then you put something else up. That further light and knowledge is really powerful stuff.


Indeed, Mormon Jesus keeps outdoing himself... AGAIN!

That must be what Eternal Progression is all about.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:49 pm 
Seedy Academician
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
17. Yea, ye are as the Jews in Jerusalem, who mistakenly believed that the Messiah would produce some kind of noticeable success,


PURE GOLD.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Mormon Jesus, thank you for visiting my wife and I in our hotel room the other night. We had been binging on green tea smoothies and were about to get a little freaky with some mocha ice cream and a little heavy petting...your sudden appearance and your stern use of the word "stop" both turned us from our sinful ways and made us realize the brighamite branch of the LDS church is the chosen religious narrative of aliens who are capable of teleportation. I will now devote as much time as possible to defending the existence of extra-terrestrials and the actions of Joseph Smith....Mine eyes have been opened...

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Last edited by schreech on Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:33 pm 
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schreech wrote:
Mormon Jesus, that you for visiting my wife and I in our hotel room the other night. We had been binging on green tea smoothies and were about to get a little freaky with some mocha ice cream and a little heavy petting...your sudden appearance and your stern use of the word "stop" both turned us from our sinful ways and made us realize the brighamite branch of the LDS church is the chosen religious narrative of aliens who are capable of teleportation. I will now devote as much time as possible to defending the existence of extra-terrestrials and the actions of Joseph Smith....Mine eyes have been opened...

Wilt thou also admonish the rest of us to ask god if xyz is true, and not believe xyz until god says it's true, even though that process doth not in any way resemble thine own experience?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:05 pm 
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malkie wrote:
Wilt thou also admonish the rest of us to ask god if xyz is true, and not believe xyz until god says it's true, even though that process doth not in any way resemble thine own experience?


As long as xyz = asking "god" to have extra-terrestrials, who are capable of teleportation, spend part of their day visiting people, like myself and my wife, who are enjoying a debauturous afternoon of caffeine buzzes and over the clothes touching while ignoring the 7+billion other people on the earth and their problems, then yes...Consider yourself and others admonished...

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:18 pm 
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My Dear Mormon Jesus,

Thy humble servant Dr. Shades doth come before thee this day seeking further light and knowledge.

Behold, didst Def Leppard inspire thee, or didst thou inspire Def Leppard? Wilt thou Armageddon It, as bespoken by John the Revelator on the Isle of Patmos, and in verses 4 through 5 of Section 162?

And for this matter, and on this account, thy servant Dr. Shades, who hopeth to be in thy good graces, bringeth before thee a matter which vexeth him with a sore vexation, yea, he hath been scratching his head, with no intent of a pun.

To whit, is it lawful for a man to scour the Internet for embarrassing material posted by other posters, and then bring it here, to thy one true message board? If so, doth this count as mere "cross posting," a tradition which endureth from the foundations of the board? Or is a man is never justified, and thy moderators, in whom thou (hopefully) art well pleased, must immediately deleteth it, yea, strike it down to the dust? Is such an action considered "intimidation," or must it be considered "examining a poster's credibility?" Doth embarrassing information equate to personal information? Must moderators save the people of this, thy one true message board, from themselves? Or is protestation against the compilation thereof considered to be manipulation of the free speech environment of this message board? Or doth a safe and inviting environment trump all, and thy moderators are under covenant to preserve it?

Yea, thy servant desireth thee to stretch forth thy hand and roll back the confusion, yea, the stupor of thought which becloudeth his mind at this time.

And I say these things in the name of you, amen.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:45 am 
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Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 6:41 am 
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Tator wrote:
Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator


Every_single_time I see you post I get an image of Ron White saying, "They call me tator salad..."

Every time.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 7:08 am 
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Tator wrote:
Mormon Jesus,

thank you, thank you, thank you for visiting Tobin on the night of his one and only conquest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Mormon Jesus for not letting Tobin reproduce.

Amen,
Tator


Would ordinarily not pile on, but since Tobin has me on permanent ignore:

Now that thar's funny.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 7:33 am 
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Outside of the shining brilliance of Mormon Jesus, shades wins the internet for the day, with tator in a close second.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:17 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye


Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:30 pm 
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asbestosman wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye

Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?

"Ye" is plural for "you." So it's not a grammatical error.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:19 pm 
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Dr. Shades wrote:
"Ye" is plural for "you." So it's not a grammatical error.

Actually it is. "Ye" is a subject pronoun not an object pronoun. Since in this instance "ye" is preceded by "unto" it should be the object pronoun "you".

It would be like saying "unto he" instead of "unto him".

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Last edited by asbestosman on Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:22 pm 
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asbestosman wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye


Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?


Because this is Mormon Jesus, not King James Version Jesus. There is an important dialectal difference between the two.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:52 pm 
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Chap wrote:
Because this is Mormon Jesus, not King James Version Jesus. There is an important dialectal difference between the two.

Yes. In fact this has strengthened my testimony that this is the true Mormon Jesus.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:58 pm 
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Yes one uses actual king James English and the other uses the pidgin bastardized Book of Mormon version Joseph Smith produced.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:43 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 April 2012.

Edited thirteen times.



Goes to show that a decent revelation of any substance and/or length is more than likely going to go through multiple revisions. :smile:

Regards,
MG


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