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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 2:18 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
9. But the day cometh when Ham shall be cured,
10. And inasmuch as the loins of Ham shall become savory and delightsome,


Mormon Jesus I ask what the hell er what the heck good is Ham without Potatoes er a Potatos er I mean Spuds? Even Funeral Tators! Could you make Funeral Potatoes a Sacrament kind of like part of last rites or something? I mean like I'm being peeled, fried, baked and shredded down here and all for nothing I need some help. Teach me to pray for gravy.......oh crap someone's putting me in the oven I will get back with you later......and to think I could have been Vodka.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:12 pm 
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Hey Mormon Bastard Jesus, let’s get Personal.

What's it like to know that your daddy was playing hide the salami with your mother when she was already promised to another man, your step-daddy?

Do you think your real daddy's actions are what led Horny Holy Joe to think it’s all right to copulate with other men wives?

How come your real daddy never played with you while you were growing up?

Think he was playing hide the salami with other women on other worlds here to for formed?

So in the Mormon Corporation eternities, will I get to play hide the salami with any women I fancy?


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:49 pm 
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Section 159

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 1 April 2013. Numerous questions about church policy and leadership had arisen in the wake of certain members of the church holding divergent views on such matters. Various pronouncements by church spokesmen and unexplained changes in policy resulted. Because the church is led by continuing revelation, the Lord of course made His will known directly instead of delegating to the inertia of oblique corporate posturing.

1-6, The Lord is not your property, baby; 7-10, new qualifications for church leadership set forth; 11-13, divestiture of things that are of this world; 14-16, those who want to be paid to minister must have some competence; 17-22, righteousness is not the same as mindless submission to authority; 23-25, clarification on the preceding revelation.

1. Behold, I am the Lord of hosts, who manifesteth himself to the nations; yea, like unto a boss,
2. And my words shall never cease, nor my works, which I shall bring to pass with the might of my hand,
3. Yea, I, the Lord, am stronger than yesterday,
4. Now it is nothing but my way,
5. Very, my loneliness is not killing me no more,
6. For I, the Lord, am stronger,
7. And at this time, I, the Lord, do hereby release Thomas S. Monson as the president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
8. As also do I release Henry B. Eyring and Dieter F. Uchtdorf as his counselors; and all the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are likewise released,
9. And this because I, the Lord, shall appoint new leadership for my church, and those whom I will call as my prophets, seers, and revelators shall be chosen without regard to gender, or color, or sexual orientation, or white collar vocation,
10. For I, the Lord, seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but I, the Lord, look on the heart,
11. And again, I, the Lord, do command that City Creek Center be sold, as also the Deseret Ranches in Florida, and also mine holy ranches in Wyoming and Nebraska, and also Bonneville Communications, and all other manner of commercial ventures on which my church has embarked,
12. And the proceeds shall be used to help the poor and afflicted, and my church shall maintain itself modestly, even as it did when I walked upon the earth among the children of men,
13. For my kingdom is not of this world, and neither also is my church,
14. And inasmuch as a person shall be called to be a general authority in my church, behold, if that man or woman desireth to receive an stipend for his or her labor, then that person must show himself or herself to be qualified to labor in that field; yea, with some modicum of training in divinity or theology, and some manner of reasonable competence in these things,
15. That the servant may be worthy of his hire,
16. Neither also shall my servants be permitted to print all manner of streams of consciousness about my gospel, and receive advances and royalties from my holy publishing company, and thus trade on their status as my servants to get gain, thereby committing priestcraft,
17. And another commandment I give unto my church: that yea cease putting an hedge around the law, even as the Pharisees of old,
18. Yea, I, the Lord, made the universe with my hands, and also redeemed it, and I make the rain to fall on the just and unjust alike,
19. Wherefore, what doth it matter to me if a woman desireth an extra pair of earrings, or a man in my service desireth to grow a beard like I have, or either of them want a tattoo, or would like a cup of coffee in the morning?
20. Verily, thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, mind, and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself; do this and thou shalt impress the Creator of the Universe,
21. Obsess about petty trivialities, and not so much; yea, obedience for its own sake is not virtue,
22. Did I not tell my servant Oliver that he must study things out in his mind, that the things of the spirit may be opened unto him? Why therefore do ye think it righteousness to do something just because a man at a pulpit told ye to do it?
23. Yea, ponder all these things, and blessed are all ye who have read these words, and thought for a moment that I, the Lord, might be serious,
24. For thus saith the Lord: April Fool's!
25. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Thu Aug 01, 2013 7:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:52 pm 
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26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:14 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 1 April 2013. Numerous questions about church policy and leadership had arisen in the wake of certain members of the church holding divergent views on such matters. Various pronouncements by church spokesmen and unexplained changes in policy resulted. Because the church is led by continuing revelation, the Lord of course made His will known directly instead of delegating to the inertia of oblique corporate posturing.
...
24. For thus saith the Lord: April Fool's!
25. Amen.

Jesus! You really had me going there.

Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:16 pm 
God
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Far be it from a mere mortal to contradict you, Jesus, but if you wrote "might have" instead of "might of" perhaps Dr Shades would not find it necessary to apply autocorrect - just sayin''

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:57 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Wherefore if there be errors, they are the errors of automated board software.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 11:44 pm 
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malkie wrote:
Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.


There is an old joke...

When Moses came down with the carved 38 commandments, his people send him back to make a better deal.
Second time he said:
- I have a good news and a bad one. The good is that there are only ten. The bad is that the one with adultery has remained...

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 12:29 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Yea, verily, thy servant seeketh to avoid a sore chastening, therefore thine commandment hath been heeded.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:26 am 
Dr. Shades wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Yea, verily, thy servant seeketh to avoid a sore chastening, therefore thine commandment hath been heeded.


LOL! :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:38 am 
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ludwigm wrote:
malkie wrote:
Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.


There is an old joke...

When Moses came down with the carved 38 commandments, his people send him back to make a better deal.
Second time he said:
- I have a good news and a bad one. The good is that there are only ten. The bad is that the one with adultery has remained...

Wicked Bible - note verse 14.
Image

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Maksutov: "... if you give someone else the means to always push your buttons, you're lost."


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:31 pm 
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*non repetitious prayer*

(He knows, like Santa.)


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:41 pm 
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Dear Mormon Jesus,

What is your opinion of same-sex marriage resuming in California?


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:06 am 
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It's ____ we haven't got a revelation from Mormon Jesus in over four months... surely if you have time to set up a Facebook page for Monson, you can spare us poor sons of bitches at MD an encouraging word or two?

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Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson


Last edited by cwald on Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 4:39 pm 
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Section 160

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 30 July 2013. This revelation came six days after the anniversary of the pioneers arrived in Emigration Canyon in the Salt Lake Valley. Board members referred to this revelation as "the Olive Garden." As is often the case, this heading has very little to do with the content of the revelation and does not really explain anything.

Thank you for contacting the Section Headings to "Mormon Discussions and Covenants". We are experiencing technical difficulties due to a high volume of revelations. Please try again later. If you need immediate explanations of the word of the Lord, please put it on the shelf, and your questions will be answered in the Lord's due time, which is one thousand years for you but one day to Him. We appreciate your supplications and look forward to revealing more truth to you in the future.

1. Thus saith the Lord: I am the Lord,
2. Which, being interpreted, meaneth "duh",
3. For I make the tsunami drown both the just and the unjust,
4. Yea, the infectious disease, and the genetic defect, and the hurricane, and the famine,
5. The tragic death of a loved one, and the onset of dementia, and the earthquake, and the senseless violence,
6. Verily, all these things do I allow to happen to bond and free, black and white, male and female, in my mercy, saith the Lord,
7. For I, God, am no respecter of purpose; wherefore, needless, inexplicable suffering and destruction shall surely shew my love for all of my children,
8. But there are some who are malcontents, and stiffnecked, and complainers, who wonder why I, the Lord, do inflict these things upon the world,
9. Behold, everybody is talking all this stuff about me,
10. Why cannot they just let me be?
11. For I, the Lord, do not need permission to make mine own decisions,
12. Yea, that is my prerogative,
13. And there are also those among the people of my board, yea, the only true and living message board with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, who think to counsel me, and say that the Swedish Rescue was a disaster, or that the efforts of mine anointed to oppose same sex marriage has been abandoned,
14. Verily, ye do err, not knowing the scriptures. For behold, did not I, the Lord, command my servants to embark on Zion's Camp?
15. Did I not inspire the Willie Handcart Company to commence its journey to Zion? Did not I, the Lord, allow my servant Gordon B. Hinckley to get within shouting distance of a microphone?
16. Did I not create the Young Ambassadors?
17. Yea, ye are as the Jews in Jerusalem, who mistakenly believed that the Messiah would produce some kind of noticeable success,
18. For the works of God shall always be frustrated, and thereaway abandoned when adversity shall come forth; yea, I, the Lord, shall tell my people that such and such undertaking is extremely important to their temporal salvation and the building up of my kingdom, and they shall go forth with much zeal and little competence,
19. And then just like that, it shall be dropped like a bad habit and forgotten, and in this wise ye shall know that this is my work,
20. For it is by consistent failure and pointless wasting of time that mine elect shall be manifest,
21. Yea, if ye still believe, after all of this, then ye are indeed mine elect; wherefore, pay thine offerings to my house, and trouble me no more about.......anything, really,
22. Nevertheless there shall be miracles and rumors of miracles, as a sign among the faithful, and these miracles shall be from a long time ago, which ye cannot witness nor verify, and by these stories and rumors handed down from generation and generation, ye may jump to the conclusion that I, the Lord, am probably doing like miracles this day,
23. Even as I did with the prophets of old. Yea, I did send forth Moses, and he called forth swarms of locusts,
24. And they did verily gross out the Egyptians,
25. And I did send forth Elijah, and he called forth two bears,
26. And they did get medieval on the children who mocked him,
27. And I did send forth Brigham Young, and he called forth a flock of seagulls,
28. And they ran; yea, they ran so far away,
29. And it shall come to pass that there shall be many more events where wildlife shall be summoned in my name, but not today,
30. For today is a day of praying, and of paying, and of obeying,
31. Yea, a commandment I give unto the people of my board, that they be not as the Swedes,
32. For they have questioned my holy corporation, and disputed with mine duly designated sales representatives,
33. Yea, like the Nephites of old, the Swedes are lifted up in the pride of their hearts, because they think they have accomplished much in their own eyes,
34. Yea, their meatballs, and their pancakes, and their puppet chefs,
35. But behold, their destruction is nigh, and the nation of Sweden shall be cut off and utterly destroyed, except that they repent,
36. And if this shall not come to pass, then ye shall say that this was a commandment, or a conditional promise, or some such, and not a prophecy as it was understood to be at the time it was spoken,
37. For my people and I shall be one; yea, ye are the thunder and I am the lightning,
38. And I, the Lord, love the way ye know who thou art, and to me it is exciting,
39. When thou knowest it is meant to be; verily, everything cometh naturally, yea, it cometh naturally,
40. Even so. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Thu Aug 01, 2013 7:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:13 pm 
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I love you Mormon Jesus.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:26 pm 
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Cwald knows how to harness the powers of heaven. He asked, and Mormon Jesus responded. Cwald knocked and Jesus opened. Cwald sought and he did find.

Thank you Cwald for invoking Mormon Jesus on our behalves.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:31 pm 
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If you say so Lord.

Your word is a pleasure to my eyes, and a light in the dark cave where I reside.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:56 pm 
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SteelHead wrote:
Cwald knows how to harness the powers of heaven. He asked, and Mormon Jesus responded. Cwald knocked and Jesus opened. Cwald sought and he did find.

Thank you Cwald for invoking Mormon Jesus on our behalves.


Well hell, maybe I should run for prophet next Mormon election.

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Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:09 pm 
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First time I have viewed this thread. O M G ! ! ! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:14 pm 
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Maxrep wrote:
First time I have viewed this thread. O M G ! ! ! :lol:


I've mentioned more than once that this thread should pinned.

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Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson


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