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 Post subject: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:42 pm 
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Section 139

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 April 2012. This message constitutes the Lord's preface to his forthcoming words of admonition and counsel to the members of the board.

1-3, The Lord has been lurking on the board; 4-5, the moderators are counseled in their duties; 6-10, the faithful are commanded to shop at City Creek Center; 11-28, exhortations to various board members; 29-31, follow the prophet, whose name is right on the tip of the Lord's tongue; 32-36, the Lord wants more quality posts.

1. Behold, yea, verily, hearken, ye people of this message board, even Mormon Discussions,
2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn,
3. Prepare yourselves thenceforth to receive my word, for lo, I come quickly, and there shall be some who will remain unsatisfied therefrom.
4. I say therefore unto those who are moderators: let your moderating be in moderation, lest I curse you with a sore cursing, even unto the third and fourth generation.
5. For the vexation with which ye shall be vexed shall be vexatious indeed; how exquisite, ye know not, nor how excruciating, nor how often people shall badmouth you in chat, except that ye figure out by which manner ye have caused someone or other to complain.
6. And to the inhabitants of this message board, behold and see that my anger is kindled against you. O, this wicked and stiff-necked generation! A commandment I give unto you, that ye cease thine inanity, and loud laughter, and evil speaking of those whom I have appointed to administer my Corporation upon this earth.
7. Lay up not for yourself treasures on the internet, where moderators ban and glitches destroy, but go ye unto mine mall, where all manner of treasures of the earth may be bought,
8. Of Brooks Brothers, and of Hugo Boss; of Nordstrom, and Macy's, and Porsche Design, and Tiffany's, and Coach; ye, and all manner of others,
9. To gladden the heart, to fill the closet, and to empty the wallet, that there may be meat in mine house;
10. Even as there is meat at the Texas de Brazil Churrascaria restaurant, which shall be open on the Sabbath, even as the stores shall be closed on my holy day.
11. And now I say a word to certain of the members of this board;
12. Behold, my servant Ldsfaqs, I am well pleased with thy works; my hand smiles upon you. Yea, straight is the jacket, and rubber is the room, into which thou shalt enter and find thy reward,
13. Unto my servant Doctor Scratch, I say unto you: be ye wise as a serpent, and use thy time in more productive means, even unto the patronizing mine mall in the land I have consecrated for retail purposes,
14. For where thy credit card is, there shalt thy heart be also.
15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;
16. And to my servant MrStakhanovite, behold, thy secret combinations are known to me, and I have seen your works to drag others into the pit, who also conspire with thee;
17. Seek instead knowledge out of the best books, which may be ordered online at http://www.deseretbook.com;
18. Unto Darth J, I say: just shut up.
19. To Tarski, and to CaliforniaKId, and those who think themselves learned in the philosophies and theories of men: go, and create thine own universe, and then ye may complain to me about how screwed up things are;
20. Unto my servant, Why Me, behold, light cotton is an abomination in my sight, nor is such imagery pleasing unto me, nor to any who contemplate thereof;
21. Act like a grown-up, not a half-hearted teenager.
22. To Jskains, and Droopy, and others who have sought refuge amongst thy bretheren on Mormon Dialogue, but were rebuked;
23. Ye are even as I, who came into mine own, but mine own received me not; therefore, murmur not that any message board is willing to tolerate thee at all;
24. For if thou are too imbalanced even for Mormon Dialogue, then woe, woe, unto thee,
25. A man may as well try to put forth his puny arm and turn the course of the Mississippi, as reason with thee, and yet thou art accepted the same, yet not by thy fellow bretheren and sisteren in the faith,
26. Yea, this is irony, which I shall liken unto rain on thy wedding day, or a free ride when thou hast already paid, or the good advice that thou just did not take.
27. And unto Mfbukowski, behold, it is wisdom in me that thou shalt pop in from time to time, and thereaways promptly pop right back out again; therefore, trifle not with philosophical things; thy thoughts are known unto me, but unto absolutely no one else.
28. And I say again, to all the the rest of you who inhabit this board, repent ye, and make straight the passage of my coming, and surely I will be amazed if you understand what that meant;
29. For there shall be some in these latter days who shall say that even as pain is weakness leaving the body, so apostasy is superstition leaving the intellect;
30. Listen not to their counsel, but hearken instead to him whom I have anointed to be my prophet at this time, even......what's his name......
31. Thomas S. Monson.
32. Ye are a city upon a hill, which cannot be hid, thanks to Google cache;
33. Turn ye therefore unto me. I am the light which shineth in darkness, the voice in the wilderness, the partner in thy tag-team steel cage death match,
34. Near, far, wherever thou art, I believe that the heart doth go on.
35. Once more thou openest the door, and thou art here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on.
36. So post things that are worth reading. Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Thu Aug 01, 2013 7:36 pm, edited 13 times in total.

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 Post subject: Commentary about ''Mormon Discussions and Covenants''
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:47 pm 
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Quote:
2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn...

Okay, that part alone made me laugh out loud. :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:54 pm 
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I predict Mormon Jesus is actually Warren Jeffs. The style is very similar.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:56 pm 
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When your bowels are moved Mormon Jesus, get back to me.

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"And the human knew the source of life, the woman of him, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, 'I have procreated a man with Yahweh.'" Gen. 4:1, interior quote translated by D. Bokovoy.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:58 pm 
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Quote:
12. Behold, my servant Ldsfaqs: I am well pleased with thy works; my hand smiles upon you. Yea, straight is the jacket, and rubber is the room, into which thou shalt enter and find thy reward,

ROFLMAO :lol:

Quote:
27. And unto Mfbukowski, behold, it is wisdom in me that thou shalt pop in from time to time, and thereaways promptly pop right back out again; therefore, trifle not with philosophical things; thy thoughts are known unto me, but unto absolutely no one else.


:lol: :lol:

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When your bowels are moved upon the whole earthMormon Jesus, get back to me.

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Huckelberry said:
I see the order and harmony to be the very image of God which smiles upon us each morning as we awake.

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/a ... cc_toc.htm


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:05 pm 
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:lol:

Funny... especially the Darth comment!

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:08 pm 
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15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;


Be it unto me according to thy word. However, wouldn't it be more enjoyable with mine mouth open, Lord?

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~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden
~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:09 pm 
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harmony wrote:
:lol:

Funny... especially the Darth comment!

The whole thing is very Darthian.

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Huckelberry said:
I see the order and harmony to be the very image of God which smiles upon us each morning as we awake.

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/a ... cc_toc.htm


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:10 pm 
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+100

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:22 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.

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D&C 124

Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:07 pm, edited 10 times in total.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Effin brilliant.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:26 pm 
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Runtu, is that you?

Brilliant!

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:31 pm 
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Sshhhh! Mormon Jesus is still in the temple. Be quiet and receive more of His word.

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The world is always full of the sound of waves..but who knows the heart of the sea, a hundred feet down? Who knows it's depth?
~ Eiji Yoshikawa


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:33 pm 
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I really never thought I'd say this. It's kind of burning my lips and tongue as I form the words.

"I love you, Mormon Jesus."


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:34 pm 
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Morley wrote:
I really never thought I'd say this. It's kind of burning my lips and tongue as I form the words.

"I love you, Mormon Jesus."


HAHA! I was thinking the same thing!

I want to worship him. :twisted:

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~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden
~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:35 pm 
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26. Yea, this is irony, which I shall liken unto rain on thy wedding day, or a free ride when thou hast already paid, or the good advice that thou just did not take.


Perfect.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 7:54 pm 
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Love it all.

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Oh for shame, how the mortals put the blame on us gods, for they say evils come from us, but it is they, rather, who by their own recklessness win sorrow beyond what is given... Zeus (1178 BC)

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:35 pm 
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Damn the Mormon Jesus. Where is my revelation? Have you nothing to say to me? Don't you love me too? I served you all those years and what do I have to show for it? Screw it and screw you!

:cry:

Mormon jezzus sucks.

Paul O

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"I do admit Joseph Smith faked the facsimile translation. . . Facsimiles. . . lies"


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:41 pm 
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Pure doctrine from Mormon Jesus although Mormon Jesus is itself an oxymoron


it matters not, the pure doctrine doth make us all smile except for bcspace who was left out and undoubtedly crying himself to sleep because Jesus failed to mention him-perhaps it will happen in a later continuing revelation!

i recommend mj to speak in the next general conference.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:44 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:46 pm 
just me wrote:
Quote:
15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;


Be it unto me according to thy word. However, wouldn't it be more enjoyable with mine mouth open, Lord?

It depends on how close it is in proximity to the Lord's staff. :wink:


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:48 pm 
Quote:
14. For where thy credit card is, there shalt thy heart be also.


LOVE this!!!! :lol:


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