What's in the Secret Vault? Top 10 Extreme Ex-Mo Answers

[Guest]

Having recently encountered ex-Mos extreme enough that I'm "an apologist" by comparison, I did a survey of their responses to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency Office Vault" (and/or supernaturally read their answers by excluding all light and gazing deeply into a white porcelain bowl), and received the following top ten answers:


10. One- through Six-of Nine.

9. Never-before-seen Nauvoo Temple sunstones, moonstones, and swastikastones.

8. A scale model of a 1960s Viet-Namese brainwashing camp with a mess hall labeled "Bishop's Storehouse" and the following warning on the box: "For Instructional Purposes Only: Not a Real Ward."

7. The original manuscript of D&C 132, recorded on receipts for mail-order brides from Sweden.

6. The cloven hoof from which Joseph Smith and the Master Race will be cloned.

5. A sacrament tray filled with little plastic cups of poisoned Kool-Aid.

4. The missing portion of Facsimile 1: Anubis using a razor sharp copy of "The Proclamation on the Family" to perform an emasculation-by-paper-cut.

3. The actual rifle used by Brigham Young at Mountain Meadows.

2. The "New General Authority Orientation Manual," including the sections "Pretending You Don't Know," "How to Look Like a Hundred Bucks on a Billionaire Budget," and "Sexual Harrassment: Continuing the Tradition."

And, the number one extreme ex-Mo response to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency vault?"....

1. Joseph Smith's scrapbook--anime bondage sketches, favorite quotes from the Necronomicon, and all the missing penis drawings from his Egyptian papyri.

[_Some Schmo]

Awwww... you forgot the Playgirl magazines.

Pretty funny, dude.

[_Ray A]

Having recently encountered ex-Mos extreme enough that I'm "an apologist" by comparison, I did a survey of their responses to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency Office Vault" (and/or supernaturally read their answers by excluding all light and gazing deeply into a white porcelain bowl), and received the following top ten answers:


10. One- through Six-of Nine.

9. Never-before-seen Nauvoo Temple sunstones, moonstones, and swastikastones.

8. A scale model of a 1960s Viet-Namese brainwashing camp with a mess hall labeled "Bishop's Storehouse" and the following warning on the box: "For Instructional Purposes Only: Not a Real Ward."

7. The original manuscript of D&C 132, recorded on receipts for mail-order brides from Sweden.

6. The cloven hoof from which Joseph Smith and the Master Race will be cloned.

5. A sacrament tray filled with little plastic cups of poisoned Kool-Aid.

4. The missing portion of Facsimile 1: Anubis using a razor sharp copy of "The Proclamation on the Family" to perform an emasculation-by-paper-cut.

3. The actual rifle used by Brigham Young at Mountain Meadows.

2. The "New General Authority Orientation Manual," including the sections "Pretending You Don't Know," "How to Look Like a Hundred Bucks on a Billionaire Budget," and "Sexual Harrassment: Continuing the Tradition."

And, the number one extreme ex-Mo response to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency vault?"....

1. Joseph Smith's scrapbook--anime bondage sketches, favorite quotes from the Necronomicon, and all the missing penis drawings from his Egyptian papyri.

Phew! Now I'll definitely have to turn anti-Mormon! :) (Unless someone on MADB can stroke my ego.)

[_CaliforniaKid]

LOL!

[_KimberlyAnn]

Having recently encountered ex-Mos extreme enough that I'm "an apologist" by comparison, I did a survey of their responses to the question "What's in the secret First Presidency Office Vault" (and/or supernaturally read their answers by excluding all light and gazing deeply into a white porcelain bowl), and received the following top ten answers:

Don, it's obvious you haven't spent enough time on RfM to supernaturally read their answers by staring into a toilet. At least seven of the Top Ten Things in the Vault would have something to do with sex. They don't call us sexmos for nothing. As a sexmo writer of many Top Ten lists, may I suggest the following as things that might be in the vault? Two of them I've already mentioned in another post.

10. The "Uncut and Uncensored" version of the temple video.
9. A year's supply of the GA's specially made Depends garments.
8. President Hinckley's upper lip.
7. A huge pile of vibrators confiscated from Passion Party raids.
6. Several 55 gallon drums full of Viagra for the GA's (in case polygamy is reinstated and they can all marry several twenty year old women).
5. The Seer's stones (After all, those were Joseph Smith's real inspiration)
4. The secret, I mean sacred, Kolob Sutra, an actual and true translation by Joseph Smith of an ancient Egyptian papyri found in the sarcophagus of a Pharaoh's concubine. (The flock aren't ready for this one yet.)
3. A stockpile of security tapes from the ladies' locker room of the Salt Lake temple.
2. Brigham Young's meticulously kept Beehive House sex calendar.
1. A stockpile of unsold and discontinued CTR rings for men that...um...don't go on their fingers. They were such a bad idea that even Seagull wouldn't sell them!

KA